


I Know Who You Are

by finnejean



Category: Shingeki no Kyojin | Attack on Titan
Genre: Alive Marco Bott, Alternate Universe, Angst, Character Death, M/M, Multi, if i add sex scenes will you guys read this, jean is sus, jeanmarco probably, marco lives au in 2021
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2021-02-09
Updated: 2021-03-05
Packaged: 2021-03-15 09:14:20
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Major Character Death
Chapters: 4
Words: 8,251
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29311662
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/finnejean/pseuds/finnejean
Summary: marco stumbles upon a conversation he should not be hearing during the attack on trost. this time, he keeps his mouth shut.
Relationships: Marco Bott & Annie Leonhart, Marco Bott & Bertolt Hoover, Marco Bott & Jean Kirstein, Marco Bott & Reiner Braun, Marco Bott/Jean Kirstein, Reiner Braun/Bertolt Hoover
Comments: 46
Kudos: 143





	1. The First Betrayal

**Author's Note:**

> a marco lives au in 2021 because i am a horrible person i think . this is gonna be multi chapter but idk how many chapters its gonna be yet bc i obviously dont wanna rewrite All Of attack on titan also sorry if theres any typos i only beta read this Once

“Yeah... if it comes to it, I’ll have to do something with my Titan somehow.”

Those were the words that made Marco stop dead in his tracks. Through even the loud commotion, he heard those words loud and clear. 

My Titan.

He had been flying around on his ODM gear, searching for anyone who might need assistance, and had a feeling he should just keep doing that, continuing to fly along, like he didn’t hear a word.

But Marco knew he just heard something very important, coming from a voice he knew all to well. The voice of Reiner Braun, and next to him, the quiet Bertholdt Hoover.  
My Titan.  
Marco felt as if he had no other choice but to continue to listen. How could he not? 

“But if their plan works, it’ll plug up the hole we finally opened...”

Marco felt his breath catch in his throat, his face becoming paler by the minute.  
The hole we opened.  
The hole we opened.  
But that’s impossible, right? The Titans did that. The Colossal Titan broke the wall. Not his comrades, not the people he had gotten close with over the span of four years, not his friends.

“It doesn’t matter. We’ve been searching for a clue these past five years and we finally found it.”

In that moment, Marco wanted nothing more than to call out to them, to ask them what they meant, ask them what the hell they were talking about because there was no way, absolutely no way, the things his comrades were up to something like this! 

But Marco didn’t move. He hesitated, and took a step back.  
Why couldn’t he move?  
Was he that afraid of them?

“Besides... we can always make a new one. Even if this hole gets plugged up, it won’t be our last opportunity. This was a major win for us... for our homeland.” 

Marco felt like he was going to throw up. Here he was, listening to something he knew he wasn’t supposed to be hearing. It didn’t make sense...didn’t it? Marco placed his hand over his mouth to stifle his breathing, knowing he was fucked if they realized he was there.   
Humans can turn into titans. He knew that because of Eren— he can’t be the only one, then, right? The Colossal Titan, The Armored Titan, they both had to be Titan Shifters, too, right? The way they appeared out of nowhere, the intelligence they hold, they had to be humans themselves, hiding in plain sight. 

But Reiner, Bertholdt... they couldn’t be the ones behind this, right? He had to be wrong... there had to be some sort of mistake! 

No...

He knew what he heard. Marco was standing behind the Colossal and the Armored Titan. Nothing else could explain it. He knew that, and he hated that he did.

But he couldn’t think about that— not while he was right behind them. He had to get out of here, and then he could think about the situation he just got himself into. Without taking a step, he hooked his ODM gear to another building and flew away as fast as he could. 

Before Reiner and Bertholdt could turn around and figure out what that noise was behind them, he was gone, flying with just a bit too much gas, the current situation of Eren plugging up the hole not even on his mind anymore. How could he think about anything else?

His friends, his comrades, the people he spent the last four years with...

were traitors.

Not just any traitor, either— they were the very reason all of this was happening, the reason so many of his friends were dead, devoured right in front of his eyes...

Tears flooded his vision, and he wasn’t sure if they were from anger or heartbreak.

Dammit...Dammit! 

What will the others think?

Could he even tell the others? If this information fell into the hands of someone like Eren, they’d be killed for sure— and maybe they deserved that, but there has to be a better way! They could all talk it out, and solve things without having to lose his friends—

Friends?

Could he still consider them his friends?

Would it even be possible to talk it out?

If they had to trouble causing the deaths of innocents, the deaths of their own comrades... nothing would stop them from doing it again.  
What was Marco supposed to do? 

Reality hit him in the face once more as he saw a Titan in front of him.

“Shit!”  
He called out, switching the direction of his ODM so he didn’t fly right into the damn things mouth. It seemed real interested in him now, the Titans unchanging smile sending shivers down Marco’s whole body. He pulled the blades from his gear, gulping. This was real life, it was either him or The Titan—  
And Marco wasn’t gonna die. Not now. Not with what he knows.

Marco gripped the blades in his hands, maneuvering himself behind the Titan and hooking to its shoulder. The Titan reacted, of course, attempting to peer behind itself and grab whatever just attacked his shoulder— but Marco acted fast, blasting towards the Titan with as much speed as his gear could manage, slicing through the nape of the beast with a scream. 

The Titan went down before Marco could process what he had done.

Panting heavily, Marco hooked himself to a building, watching as The Titan fell. Dead.

Holy shit.

Holy shit! 

Marco just killed a Titan.   
A Titan.

He wiped the steaming blood off of his face, still attempting to catch his breath. He wanted, in that moment, to close his eyes and rest, just for a minute. He was so exhausted, so damn exhausted.

But he couldn’t rest now.

Reiner and Bertholdt aside, Marco had work to do.

Taking one last good look at the Titan he killed, and placing his blades back in his gear, Marco hooked himself to another building. 

He tried to think of anything but them, but the thought kept returning to his mind.

“Besides... we can always make a new one. Even if this hole gets plugged up, it won’t be our last opportunity. This was a major win for us... for our homeland.” 

Reiner’s voice echoed throughout Marco’s mind, haunting him.   
Marco knew he couldn’t just stay quiet about this, he had to tell someone...

But who?


	2. Suicidal Maniac

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> a chat in the dining hall, about the future.

The aura of the dining hall was thick and uncomfortable, to say the least.

It had been a few days since Eren plugged up the hole, leaving behind corpse after unrecognizable corpse, all over Trost. Clean-up was almost just as horrifying as the initial attack, having to identify the bodies of former friends and comrades and piling them up on carts like luggage. And the smell, oh god, the smell. The entire town was stained with the disgusting scent of titan vomit, blood, and rotting corpses. Not even the thick masks that the soldiers wore over their faces could drown out the stench. Though the hole was sealed, and it was declared a victory for humanity, there was no way anyone could even consider celebrating. The sheer absurdity of the situation was enough to stifle any form of it. Eren Jaeger wasn’t fully human.  
Eren Jaeger was a titan.  
It was more than shocking, and it would have been considered unbelievable and ridiculous if not for everyone seeing it before their very eyes.  
Not even Armin or Mikasa seemed to have a clue what was happening with that boy. They sat alone at a table, across the room, talking quietly with drained expressions. Apparently Eren was in custody, and there was gonna be some sort of trial— probably to decide if he gets to live or not, the poor bastard.

And then, there was Reiner and Bertholdt. The part of the situation only Marco knew about. The little piece of information that had been tugging at Marco’s mind ever since he found out. For the past four years, Marco was always preaching about the value of teamwork and trusting your friends, but now, Marco was beginning to doubt how valuable that all really is.   
If your comrades are traitors, how does teamwork matter?  
Marco wondered if Eren was involved with those two as well, but it just seemed so damn unbelievable. Eren hated titans with a passion, a personal grudge and an undying flame. It didn’t make sense, none of it did. 

Marco couldn’t help but stare at Armin and Mikasa from across the room, wondering just what could be going through their minds right now.

Besides, he needed something to take his gaze off the traitors at the table with him. Looking at them stung, it made him want to explode, he couldn’t even think about it without the threat of tears. 

“Hey, Marco, snap out of it.”

Marco jumped, his eyes widening with surprise. Ah. Was his zoning out that obvious? Everyone at the table was staring at him, concern lacing their vision. ( Although it was hard to not look concerned during times like this). 

He turned to Jean, offering a weak chuckle. “Sorry, I was just thinkin’ about things...” 

At the table with him, were Connie, Sasha, Jean, and of course, Bertholdt and Reiner. They all had treys of food, but nobody could really eat without feeling sick. Even Sasha ate less than usual, though she still seemed to eat more than the rest of them.

“It’s fine, It’s hard not to think about things right now...” Connie sighed, his voice unusually low and unexpressive. “I never wanna see a damn titan again. I can’t get their ugly smiling faces outta my head, the way they just-“

Sasha put a hand on Connie’s shoulder, looking at the other sympathetically.

“On the bright side, it seems we’ve finally counted the last of the bodies, that way we can have a proper funeral and say our goodbyes.” Reiner spoke, and it almost made Marco gag.   
The bodies you contributed to, he caught himself thinking.

“That’s barely a bright side, Reiner.” Jean scowled. “They don’t even get a real burial, just some damn fire where they all become an unrecognizable pile of bones and dust.” 

The table was awfully silent for a moment, letting Jean’s words sink in. Nobody argued with him, It was true, he was right. And the disgusting truth was, any one of them could join that pile of ash one day. Their lives were so fragile, yet so disposable at the same time.

Marco couldn’t stand the silence, it reminded him of just how quiet and empty the whole dining hall had become, and it almost trapped him back in the loop of his own thoughts.

“Have any of you... made your choice about what regiment you’re joining?”  
Marco piped up, in an attempt to change the topic to something more light-hearted, anything but the devastation of Trost.

“I’ve had my mind made up since I joined. I’m gonna join the MPs and never look back.” Jean announced, leaning back and folding his arms. “I’d recommend all of you do the same if you don’t wanna end up in the jaws of a titan. Right, Marco?”

Jean jabbed him with his elbow. Marco and Jean had been pretty close for the past four years, spending much of their free time talking about their futures and their lives and other things that seemed so trivial now. Marco, in a way, almost looked up to Jean. Something about him made the cadet feel at home, and he definitely didn’t want to lose that feeling. Jean was a leader, a natural born one.   
So the logical choice would be to join the MPs with him, just as planned, right? That had been his plan from the beginning, the whole reason he joined the cadets in the first place, but...

“Bertholdt and I are joining the scouts.” Reiner stated, his voice confident and sure of himself. Bertholdt nodded in agreement, although seeming way more nervous than the burley man next to him. 

“What?! Reiner, Bertholdt, are you insane?!” Connie slammed his hands on the table, looking at the two with disbelief. “Even after all this, why would you wanna put yourself through that again?!” 

Marco looked away, his eyebrows furrowed. Why would they wanna join the scouts? If they used their titan abilities out there, they’d be caught for sure! Just what were those two up to? Some sort of plan, or scheme? 

Marco gulped.

Nobody knew but him. He wasn’t planning on telling anybody at this table, either. Jean was way too hot headed, and would get himself killed for sure, and Sasha and Connie were way too...well, they were idiots. He still hadn’t made his decision on who to tell, though he knew he had to do it soon, because he’d break if he had to hold it in for much longer.

Could he really just let those two go off on their own?  
In a moment of impulsiveness, Marco decided he needed to take matters into his own hands.

“...I-I think I want to join the Scouts, too.”

There wasn’t an immediate reaction, of course. The whole table stared at him again, jaws hanging open and eyes wide in disbelief. 

Connie spoke first, his voice almost seeming to shake. “You too, Marco...? Have you all lost your damn minds...?”

Sasha finally spoke up after remaining quiet most of the conversation. “I thought joining the MPs was your dream! Are you really giving up on that?! You’d be eating good for the rest of your life!”

“I don’t think it’s that bad of an idea. Marco’s wits have proved useful in battle.” Reiner nodded. “We all have our reasons for wanting to join whatever regiment we choose. While I don’t know Marco’s reasoning, I’m sure he knows what he’s doing.”

Marco chuckled nervously. Reiner had no idea he was joining just to spy on him. Was he really planning on throwing everything away for them? Those years of training, everything he’s ever dreamed of...  
Did it all even matter, in the end?  
Everything he knew seemed to be a lie, anyways.  
So what did it matter if he threw away his life for the greater good?

Marco had almost forgotten about Jean’s presence, but when he looked back at him, his expression was unreadable.

“Marco...” Jean began, voice low and almost threatening. “You’re just joking, aren’t you?”

Marco cleared his throat, looking back at Bertholdt and Reiner. Bertholdt hadn’t said a word this whole time. Maybe that’s why he was always so quiet, because he didn’t wanna blow his cover, or maybe he was just that damn guilty.

He turned back to Jean.

“No...I’m being serious. I...” He realized he needed a lie— one that would cover for him joining the scouts. “After seeing my comrades get devoured, there’s no way I can just... live out the rest of my the inner walls. I want to be someone... the fallen would be proud of!” And that wasn’t even a full lie, Marco thought to himself. In the end, could he really just join the Military Police and live out the rest of his days, like he didn’t witness terror?

Jean almost laughed. His expression was still unreadable, but it was completely unlike him. Marco felt a tinge of guilt, knowing he was hurting his closest friend like this.   
“You’ll get killed, Marco. Be real, you wouldn’t make it a day out there. You’re too damn smart to throw away your life like that, just what the hell are you planning, huh?! Don’t be an idiot!” Jean shouted, standing up from his seat, catching the eyes of people around the dining hall.

“Jean, I-“

“You really think I’m just gonna sit here, and let you make the worst mistake of your life?!” 

“It’s not a mistake, Jean! I’ve made my decision, why are you so angry?!” Marco pleaded. Jean was taking this personally, and he couldn’t exactly understand why. They were soldiers, they joined the training corps knowing their lives were at stake. 

“Because I know you! I’ve known you for years! And I know—I know you aren’t like that suicidal maniac! This isn’t like you at all! But fine, if you wanna die a meaningless death in the mouth of a titan, be my damn guest!” And before Marco could get another word in, Jean was storming off to god knows where, steam metaphorically pouring out of his ears.

“Jean...” Marco whispered. Jean was right, it wasn’t like him to just throw away his life. But things were different now, the circumstances have changed, and Marco knew he was doing the right thing. He wanted to tell Jean, so bad, more than anything, explain to him why...

But he couldn’t.

He couldn’t risk Jean’s life.

He could only risk his own.

Sasha and Connie looked at each other, and nodded simultaneously, running after Jean in hopes to calm him down and understand just what was going down in his head.

And then, it was just the three of them.  
Marco, Reiner, and Bertholdt.  
Marco had no choice but to look at them.

The damn traitors.

“Are you okay, Marco...?” Bertholdt asked, partly due to what just happened with Jean, and party due to the way he was staring at them.  
Bertholdt could have sworn there was hatred in Marco’s eyes, a look that Marco rarely sported.

“...Yeah. I’m fine. I just—“

Marco was interrupted by the voice of a man, calling for Armin and Mikasa. Marco watched as the two of them left from across the room.

“That’s probably for the trial for Eren, huh? I guess because the two of them are so close to him, they’re required to be there...” Marco sighed, relieved there was something else to talk about other than the need to scream in Reiner’s face.

“I assume so. I hope they don’t kill him, he’s the only key humanity has left,” Reiner spoke.

Marco felt his eye twitch.  
Those words rang through his head.  
We’ve been searching for a clue these past five years and we finally found it, Reiner had said.

Marco gritted his teeth, betting they only wanted him alive for their own selfish purposes. 

“Marco... why is it you really want to join the scouts?” Bertholdt asked.

Marco felt a smile curl on his lips. A hopeless smile, a smile formed from days worth of stress and betrayal and bloodshed.

“It’s simple, really...” 

Marco looked the two of them in the eyes again.

“I’m gonna kill every last one of them.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> thank u all for the support on this so far!! i apologize if my writing is sloppy


	3. Double Sided Secret

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> jean makes a decision that he never thought he’d make.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> SORRY THIS CHAPTER TOOK SO LONG I PROMISE ILL BE FASTER W CHAPTERS THANK U FOR ALL THE NICE COMMENTS

“Jean! Wait up!”

Sasha called out, waving her arm around dramatically as she and Connie chased after Jean. Jean had stormed off after Marco had announced he was joining the scouts; something that seemed to set off a flame of emotion inside the man. He clenched his fist, his nails digging deep into the palms of his hands. For a while, his own steaming anger was enough to drown out the obnoxious voices of his comrades. That could only last for so long, however, considering just how loud those two bird-brains are. 

Jean let out a frustrated sigh and let his feet come to a stop. Those two weren’t going to halt their attempts to catch up with him, and trying to escape from their nosy little grasps would be fruitless. He allowed himself to slump down against a wall of what seemed to be some sort of storage unit. He ran a hand through his hair and side-eyed the two who were rushing in his direction.

“Dammit, Jean...! Why’d you have to be...such a...fast walker!” Connie panted, speaking between heavy breaths. He leaned against the wall, wiping a bead of sweat from his forehead.

Sasha huffed, her body slouched over in front of her as her arms dangled from the sides, also attempting to catch her breath.   
“You ran off so quickly...hahh...I didn’t even get the chance to finish my dinner...” 

“That’s your own fault for going after me, idiot...” Jean grumbled, looking away from the two with annoyance. 

Couldn’t a guy make a dramatic exit without being interrogated afterwards?

Connie spoke up again, “What even happened? One second you were fine and the next you practically had steam pouring out of your ears! I don’t have a clue on why Marco’s choice of regiment would make you so damn upset, so spill the beans! What’s got you actin’ that way?”

Guess not. 

Jean grumbled something to himself, not answering Connie’s question. To be perfectly honest, Jean didn’t really have an answer for it. He wasn’t even exactly sure why he was so mad, and why he reacted the way he did. Marco is his own man, and can choose whatever regiment he wants, right? Who cares if he’s basically committing titan induced suicide? Who cares if he’s doing something so completely and utterly out of character, something that makes Jean’s head spin with confusion? Who cares if something bad might have happened to him that made him want to throw his life away, who cares if—

“...Jean? You’re shaking...” Sasha was suddenly at eye level with Jean, causing him to almost jump out of his skin. He must have gotten lost in his own thoughts, because suddenly Connie was sitting next to him and Sasha was sitting in front of him.

“Shit...guess I am.” Jean murmured, looking down at his shaking hands. 

“I think I get it. You’re worried about Marco, aren’t you? And you don’t know how to process emotions like a normal person, so you got angry. Am I right?” Connie asked, leaning on his hand. 

“I...” Jean started. Yeah, that sounded about right. He was just... worried. He was worried about Marco, nothing more, nothing less. Worried, like a friend should be. “Yeah... yeah, right...” 

“Mm, I think it’s deeper than that...” Sasha grinned, leaning in.   
“Say, Jean, are you... into guys?” 

“My God, Sasha!” Jean shoved Sasha, though not enough to actually harm her. Sasha fell back with laughter that was echoed by Connie, the two of them giggling like children.   
“Haha, very funny. C’mon, you both know it’s not like that!” 

“Sorry, sorry!” Sasha sighed, sitting back up. “Well, if you like him like that or not doesn’t matter. What does matter is that you care for him, right?” 

“Of course...he’s my best friend, after all. So obviously, when he announces he’s throwing away everything he’s ever worked for, I’m gonna get a little frustrated! It’s just... not like him at all. I’m more than worried, I’m...terrified.” Jean admitted. 

Connie nodded, “That makes sense. But, Jean,  
it’s not like he doesn’t know what he’s doing. Marco’s a smart guy, everybody knows that. So I don’t think he would throw everything away, more so... direct it towards a new goal. It’s a change of plans, and I trust Marco in whatever he’s planning.”

Jean shook his head. “It’s different. There was a look in Marco’s eyes, one that wasn’t like him at all. You saw it too, right? He looked just like... that suicidal maniac. In all my years of training by Marco’s side, I’ve never seen him look like that. Even during Trost, I...” he paused,   
“It felt like I was staring at a completely different person.”

There was a solemn silence between the three for a moment; Sasha and Connie exchanged glances before looking back at Jean.

“...The things we saw that day are things you can’t just forget. Just about anybody would change after seeing all of that...even Marco. Maybe he saw something that changed the way he thought, and now he wants to join the scouts instead. It seems... pretty simple to me.” Connie said, rubbing the back of his neck. 

Jean exhaled , folding his hands and staring at the ground. “I can’t see Marco as the vengeful type, can you? Vengeance is the only possible explanation why anyone would want to fight more titans after all of this, and that just doesn’t suit Marco. He’s a peaceful guy!” 

“Maybe you don’t understand Marco as well as you thought you did.” Sasha suggested.

Jean shot Sasha a look of disbelief, but it faded in an instant. It was possible, after all.

Marco always seemed like a pretty simple guy. He had the look of a misty-eyed child, always looking for new answers and new ways to work together on things. He constantly spoke of the future, and he was pretty damn smart, too. He was helpful and courageous, and that was enough for Jean to be practically infatuated by him.

But nobody, not even Marco, was truly that easy.

“...I think you have a point.”  
Jean agreed, standing up from his spot on the floor and brushing himself off.

“Maybe I don’t understand Marco, but God strike me down if I don’t figure him out eventually.” 

—————————

“He’s onto us. He must have figured something out.”  
Bertholdt said, his voice low and almost dangerous.

“We haven’t been obvious, or done anything to give ourselves away. Marco is sharp, but not that sharp.” Reiner stated, his back against a tree and his arms folded.

The two of them were alone, of course, surrounded by a few trees, a lake, and an infinite night sky. They didn’t bother to invite Annie, knowing that she probably wouldn’t have shown up. And if she did, she’d beat their asses for possibly giving themselves away to the enemy. 

“Maybe he overheard something...” Bertholdt suggested, a stern look of concern on his face.  
Being caught before they could finish their mission was one of the warrior’s biggest fears. Being a failure to Marley was absolutely not an option, and they had to be prepared to eliminate anyone who could expose them.

“Mm...” Reiner hummed lowly, “that could be possible. Whatever it is, we need to get to the bottom of it and shut him up if need be. Hopefully, we’re just being overly suspicious, and we won’t have to do anything about it.”

“He has to know something. The way he looked at us, that look in his eyes, it reminded me of—“

“Eren. I know. It doesn’t mean that look was directed at us, though. Marco probably just hates titans as much as that kid does now,” Reiner reassured Bertholdt, although it was more like he was reassuring himself. “We’ll keep an eye on him, and we’ll strike the moment we need to. But if we act too early, then he’ll know for sure something is up. We can’t risk that.” 

Bertholdt sighed deeply, before nodding. “Yeah... I just can’t shake the feeling that we’re the ones being kept an eye on. What if that’s why he joined the scouts? To watch us?”

“Is Marco the type to risk his life over something like that?” Reiner asked, an eyebrow raising.

“...It’s hard to say.”

“There’s only one way to find out, then.”

—————————

“I had a feeling you’d be out here.”

Marco turned his head in surprise, offering a guilty smile to his friend.  
“Am I that predictable, Jean?” 

Jean took a seat on the grass next to Marco, not minding the dew getting all over his pants and his hands. 

“Every time you’ve had a shit day, you come out here. And, you weren’t in your bunker, so it was pretty easy to find you.” Jean chuckled, looking up at the bright veil of stars above them.

Though it was usually scattered with training cadets during the daytime, at night, the empty field was the perfect place to get some alone time. It was far enough away from the main camp to not hear the loud chatter of the rest of the trainees, but not far enough to break a sweat. Though you really weren’t supposed to leave your bunker past the usual curfew, Marco thought the possible reprehension was worth the alone time. 

“You caught me, guilty as charged.” Marco grinned, placing his eyes back up at the night sky. “I’m guessing you aren’t mad at me anymore? ‘Cause if you were, you wouldn’t have bothered to seek me out.”

“Yeah...” Jean sheepishly rubbed the back of his neck. “Sorry about all of that. I just...”

“You’re worried. I get it, Jean, it’s alright, honest. I would’ve probably reacted similarly.” Marco hummed.

“That’s a lie, and you know it. You’d be supportive no matter what branch I joined.” Jean practically pouted, elbowing the other in the side.

Marco snorted, “Okay, yeah, I would be. But, my point still stands. You didn’t hurt my feelings by reacting that way, you were just worried for me, that’s all. It’s a little endearing.”

Jean was thankful that Marco was so distracted by the stars that he didn’t notice a soft blush form across his face. “Endearing? D-Don’t be ridiculous, Marco...and I’m still pretty damn worried! I just wanna know what you’re thinking...I mean, the scouts? What made you want to do that? I just wanna understand you.” 

Marco stayed silent for a moment, unsure how to answer the question. He couldn’t tell Jean the real reason. It would put the both of them, and possibly the rest of his friends, at risk.

“To be honest, Jean...I don’t really have the full answer yet. It’s a gut feeling. It’s something I know I have to do, even if it kills me.” He spoke, his voice barely above a whisper, turning away from the stars and towards Jean’s gaze.

“The Marco I know wouldn’t risk his life on something as baseless as a gut feeling,” Jean huffed. “But I guess I don’t know the real Marco, do I? Even after everything, I... can’t figure you out.”

Marco opened his mouth to speak, but he couldn’t form the words; not the ones he wanted to say, at least. 

“You’re as sharp as a nail, Marco Bodt. Too damn sharp to be this stupid and reckless. Maybe you hit your head in Trost, and that’s why you’re acting like a goddamn idiot. That’s what I want to believe, anyways...” Jean continued, voice wavering. “That’s why...That’s why, I...”   
The confidence on Jean’s face finally fell. He gripped Marco by the shoulders, causing the other to let out a gasp. Jean had tears in his eyes; something that Marco rarely saw. Jean never let himself cry, no matter how much he needed to. Marco felt the urge to cup his face, comfort him, tell him everything was okay—  
but all he could do in that moment was stare at the shaking frame of his friend.  
“That’s why...I...I’m coming with you!” 

Marco blinked. It took him a moment just to realize what it was that Jean had just said, or at least, accept that his ears didn’t deceive him. But Marco could see it in Jean’s eyes, the way he stifled his sobs and shook in disbelief of his own words.

“Jean, y-you can’t!” Marco stammered, “Just because I’m putting myself at risk doesn’t mean you need to, too! Think rationally about this!” 

“This is the most rational decision I’ve made in my whole goddamn life, alright?!” Jean took his hands off of Marco’s shoulder, wiping the tears off of his face. “After all of this, joining the MPs would do nothing for me. I wouldn’t be able to live with myself, knowing I was kicking back in the interior while you were out there getting hurt. I can’t help but feel like you know something I don’t, and I trust your judgement more than anyone else. So if you think joining the scouts is the move to make, then...I guess it is. Besides, somebody’s gotta keep you in check. I don’t know what’s going on with you, but I know something’s wrong. And if something is wrong, sticking together is the best option for both of us. It always has been.”

Shit.  
Marco didn’t want to admit that Jean was right. Marco followed Jean like a lost puppy, without him, he’d get nowhere. Marco was weak, and vulnerable, and practically worthless on his own. He’s always known that. He needs Jean.

But he hated the idea of Jean dying because of him, more than anything. If Jean went with him, and he ended up dead, the guilt would be too much. Jean dying was scarier than the thought of his own death. Jean was going to die, all because he was worried about Marco. Because Marco was a coward, who couldn’t face those traitors alone.   
Nothing but a damn coward.

“Shit, Marco, why’re you crying, too?!” 

Marco gasped, snapping out of his thoughts. He reached up and wiped his face. It was wet. “I—I don’t want you to die because of me, Jean.”

“I won’t. I don’t die for other people, and I don’t make stupid decisions for other people, either. This is purely for me, and what I wanna do, alright? So don’t you dare start blaming yourself for what I choose to do.” In that moment, Jean had impulsively grabbed Marco’s hand, to show him that he wasn’t going anywhere. “I won’t die, Marco. And neither will you. That’s a promise we both have to keep.”

Jean’s hand was warm, Marco thought, intertwining his fingers with the other’s. He never wanted to let go, he wanted to cherish this feeling, because even if they promised each other they wouldn’t die, there was no promise that this warmth would still be there the next time they held each other. 

Marco would tell Jean about Reiner and Bertholdt, eventually. Once he knew it was safe, Jean would be a wonderfully ally. But for now, the warmth of his hand was all he needed.

“Yeah, okay. I promise.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> who will when the urge to do slowburn or the need for jeanmarco


	4. Fighting

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> marco is faced with two sides of himself.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> HIIIII i am so sorry if the pacing in this fic is slow there is a lot i want to do but i swear things will pick up soon ^^

“So, that maniac gets to live another day, huh?” Jean chuckled, resting his elbow on the wooden table. “And all it took was some guy beating the shit outta him...he needed to be knocked down a peg. I wish I could have seen i-“

Jean was cut off by a whack to the back of his head by Marco. “Not funny, Jean...” he huffed. Jean groaned in annoyance and rubbed the spot Marco had hit as Connie and Sasha held back a fit of laughter.

Armin and Mikasa had finally come out of their bunkers, after at least a full day of not talking to anyone. Nobody blamed them, of course. They were the closest ones to Eren, and this whole Titan thing must have drained the life out of them. Once they were ready to talk about what happened and what they knew to the one closest to them, they called for them all to meet in the dining hall.

“The Scouts have complete control over Eren, but... he probably doesn’t mind. He’s wanted to join them since he was a kid. Mikasa and I intend to join the Scouts right after him, but, you all should make your decision based on what you think is best for yourself...” Armin spoke, attempting to cover the nervousness lodged in his voice with confidence. 

“Wanna know what I think?” Ymir leaned forward, an arm wrapped around Krista. “I think most of you are idiots. Armin, I can understand joining the scouts, but most of you made the top 10. If you could join the MPs, why wouldn’t you? It sounds like you’re all begging to die.” She made eye contact with Reiner, and then Bertholdt and Marco. She then looked at Mikasa. “You’ll follow Eren around like a lost puppy just about anywhere, huh?” 

Before Mikasa could stand up and threaten Ymir, Krista spoke. “Ymir, stop it! I think everyone who wants to join the scouts are very brave...! Putting their lives on the line for humanity...it’s admirable! I was actually considering...joining them, too...” 

Ymir stayed silent for a moment, and her eyes widened. Krista almost thought she saw dread in the other’s eyes, but it was quickly washed away by the sound of Ymir’s laughter. “That’s my Krista! Always so kind, even to idiots!”

“Jeez, you’re such a hypocrite, Ymir!” Jean complained. He chose to keep his mouth shut about his decision for now. He wasn’t so proud of it himself— and he was still in denial about it. Maybe if he didn’t say it, he’d forget, and end up in the MPs and-

“Man, I don’t even wanna have this conversation right now. Can we go back to talking about Eren, and how he’s, y’know, a titan? Seriously, what the hell is up with that? Are you sure that you two don’t know anything about this?” Connie said, almost accusingly. 

“We’ve already said that we don’t know anything.” Mikasa snapped, raising her voice louder than the others are used to. She seemed angry, for a moment, before it dissolved into a slight annoyance and she sunk back into her seat. “Eren doesn’t even know anything.” She added in a hushed tone, clutching onto the red scarf she kept around her neck. 

“What the hell does this mean for humanity, then?” Connie leaned forward. “Humans can turn into Titans, doesn’t that change everything? What if there are others like him? Like… the Colossal Titan?”

Marco almost choked. He looked over at Connie, eyes wide. He almost worried that in itself would have given him away, but luckily, just about everyone had the same reaction.

“...It’s possible. It’s gotta be. That would explain how it just appeared and disappeared,” Armin suggested. “But it doesn’t add up...why would a human do this? What motive gives another human the urge to destroy humanity?” Armin gulped, afraid to ever find out that answer.

Marco wondered the same thing. What motives could Reiner and Bertholdt possibly have? In the end, aren’t they partly human, too? Titan’s aren’t picky eaters, either. Doing this puts them at risk of being eaten themselves. It’s not like they are living in harmony with those bastards somewhere, knocking down the walls in alliance with them. What could they possibly gain? He had to be missing something, there had to be some sort of reason. Maybe the others wouldn’t care, and strike them down without a second thought, but Marco couldn’t live with himself if he did something like that. He’s carried the same principals, his whole life, and he wasn’t going to abandon them just because he’s afraid. The idea of some of his closest comrades being humanity-hating monsters was terrifying, but the thought of killing them before having the chance to talk it out was even moreso. That’s what differentiated Marco from Monsters; he gave those monsters a chance. 

That’s what he told himself, anyway.

Marco told himself that he wanted to talk it out, give them a chance, and then they could all hold hands and forget it ever happened.

But Marco couldn’t feel that way without another part, lodged deep inside of him, feeling differently. 

The part of him that he despised; the part of him that wanted to rip those two bastards head’s off.

“H-Hey, Marco, what’s up with that look?”Connie voiced.  
Before Marco even realized what he was doing, the whole table was staring directly at him. He must have thought too hard about it again. He realized the palms of his hands were stinging from his own nails digging into them— he exhaled and released them from his grip.   
Jean was especially concerned, looking at the freckled man with worried eyes that didn’t exactly suit his face.

“Sorry, sorry, I must have zoned out again... I’m a bit on edge, is all.” Marco dismissed with a wave of his hand, a nervous smile forming on his lips. He could practically feel Reiner’s gaze burning into the side of his skull.

“Hey, Marco...” 

Marco turned his head to the person that had been awfully quiet the whole time— awfully quiet all the time, for that matter.

Annie looked up at him, pushing a strand of hair out of her face. “What are you fighting for?”

Marco blinked. 

What?

Just what exactly was Annie trying to ask? Marco laughed awkwardly, rubbing his neck with his hand.  
“I’m not sure what you mean.”

“I mean exactly what I said. What are you fighting for?” The look in her eyes deepened, and it made her words almost seem like a threat. It sent chills down Marco’s spine, the way she seemed to stare right into his soul, the way she saw right past his outer disguise.  
“The fallen? Your friends? Humanity? Or something more selfish? If you can’t figure out what you’re fighting for, you don’t stand a chance fighting in a world like this.”

Marco gulped. Suddenly, the room felt very hot and crowded, and he felt like his stomach was curling in on itself. “I...I—“

“Oh, lay off of him, Annie!” Reiner groaned. “He just said he was on edge, are you trying to make it worse?” 

For a moment, Marco almost forgot that Reiner was a good for nothing traitor. Reiner had always been like that— quick to defend his friends, and take on almost a brotherly role. Before Trost, Marco admired that. Now, he could barely look at him.

“I-It’s fine, Reiner...I think I’m gonna head back to my bunker, now. I don’t feel too good. You guys can, uh, update me later on whatever you talk about.” Marco chuckled, standing up.

“Marco, wait-“ 

Before Jean could convince him otherwise, Marco was already leaving. It reminds him of a familiar scene that happened, just a day or two before this; except the one running away wasn’t him this time. He shifted uncomfortably in his seat before looking at Annie with a pissed off expression.

“What the hell did you do that for?”

—————————

Marco practically fell onto his bed, covering his face with his hands and letting out an exhausted groan. Though the beds were never the most comfortable thing to sleep on, to Marco, it was heaven right about now. He wished he could just stay there, and never have to get up again, and never have to deal with the consequences of being too nosy for his own good again. Sleep sounded good, right about now, but Marco could barely get any of it. When he shut his eyes, he saw blood and titans and betrayal all over again.   
What are you fighting for?  
Annie’s question replayed in his mind. 

What did she mean? Marco still didn’t understand, and it made him feel sick to even think about.   
Did she know something that he didn’t?  
Or... did she know something that he did?  
Realizing he probably wasn’t going to get any sleep, Marco rolled over to his side. 

That’s when Marco noticed what seemed to be an open book of paper sitting on the bed across from him. He recognized it immediately— it was Jean’s sketchbook. Jean slept right across from him, and sometimes, he would witness Jean drawing in it. Jean would never show anybody what he was drawing, though, and his face would redden anytime you mentioned it around him. Marco was quickly distracted from his moral dilemma through the mischievous idea of going through it.

The man got out of his bed, walking over to the book and picking it up with a snicker.

The drawing that was on the open page was a sketch of a girl. She had long, shaded in hair worn in two loose pigtails in the front. She was smiling, and her eyes were bright and optimistic. Marco recognized the girl immediately, and the sight of her almost brought tears to his eyes.

Mina Carolina, a fallen member of the 104th Cadet Corps.

—————————

“Oww, Marco, didn’t you say you were gonna go easy on me?” Mina huffed, rubbing the back of her head. 

“I did, you’re just clumsy.” Marco chuckled, reaching down and offering a hand. 

Mina grabbed Marco’s hand and pulled herself up. She dusted herself off and then sighed in defeat. “I could have sworn you said you didn’t like this part of training. How come you’re such a natural?” 

Marco tossed the wooden knife back to Mina,“I’m really not. Against anyone else, I’d definitely be on the floor by now.” 

Mina gasped dramatically. “You insult me, Marco!” 

“Don’t take it personally!” Marco laughed, putting up his hands defensively. “Combat isn’t everybody’s strong suit.” He said, eyes glancing to Annie flipping Reiner to the ground. 

“Jeez, that Annie is really strong, huh? I wonder where she learned that stuff...” Mina said with folded arms. 

“Yeah, her technique is incredible. She definitely didn’t learn that here, that’s for sure.” Marco nodded.  
They stood in silence for a moment, watching Annie.

“Hmm...hey, quick, Marco, think fast!”

“Huh-?!”

Before Marco could protest, Mina was lunging at him, wooden knife in hand.

Marco gasped, grabbing her wrist with the knife and pushing her back with his other arm.  
“N-No fair, Mina! I wasn’t even ready!”  
Mina struggled out of his grip, slashing near his torso, to which Marco replied by jumping back before the knife could hit him. 

“A crazy guy with a knife won’t wait for you to be ready!” She replied. She attacked again, causing Marco to grab her by the wrist again. He grabbed her shoulder and twisted her body around, causing the knife to now be aimed towards her own neck. 

“This would be the part where I’d kill you with your own knife, right?” Marco grinned, causing Mina to let out another sigh of defeat as she loosened her grip. Marco did the same, looking to Mina with a guilty smile.

“You know, you’ve got a lot of strength in your arms. I bet you could impress girls with stuff like that.” Mina giggled. 

Marco playfully punched her shoulder. “You’re just trying to embarrass me so you can attack me again!” 

“No, of course not!” Mina pretended to be offended. “Okay, well, maybe, but it’s true! Not speaking for myself, but arms like those could get you in the pants of anyone you wanted!”

Marco was caught off guard by that comment, his face turning red. “H-Huh?! Mina, don’t say stuff like that! It’s embarrassing...!”

“I’m just being truthful! Hey, you’re blushing because there’s a girl you wanna impress, right? Or... a guy?”

Marco thought it was impossible for him to turn any redder, but that theory was immediately disproven. “Mina...!” He sputtered. “I-I don’t know what you— I’m- I dont—“ 

Mina grabbed the other by the shoulders and pulled him down to her level, grinning like the devil she was. “Marco...I’m not stupid. You make it so obvious that you’ve got a thing for Jean.”

“No way...” Marco wanted to disappear. This was the worst. This was humiliating. He refused to make eye contact with her. “Keep your voice down...! And, I-I thought that I was being pretty slick about it...”

“Not in the slightest.” Mina shook her head. “It’s pretty obvious that he’s got it bad for you, too! You should like... you know...”

“Not in a million years.” Marco rolled his eyes, pushing Mina off of him. “Don’t we have training to get back to? Shadis will kill us if he sees us messing around.” He said, his face still red.

“Yeah, yeah, alright loverboy... let’s take it from the top. I’ll get you this time, for sure.”

—————————

“Hey, Marco, the hell are you doing?!”

Marco jumped, dropping Jean’s sketchbook back onto his bed. 

Jean must have followed him here. He should have expected that.

“I-I was, uhm...!” 

Jean practicality stomped up to the other, snatching the sketchbook from his bed. “How many times do I have to say not to look at this...?! Jeez, Marco!” He grumbled, looking at the page Marco had been on.   
Mina.

The page was wet.

“Shit... you okay?”

Marco acted before he thought, wrapping his arms tightly around Jean. 

Jean dropped his sketchbook, immediately returning the hug, one hand around his waist and the other on his head (which was currently sniffling and sobbing into Jean’s shoulder).

“Hey, I know. I miss them all, too. It’s hard, knowing that so many of our friends are gone now. But it’s our job to avenge them, so we can’t let them down. We have to keep fighting.”

Fighting.

Fighting?

Mina was dead.  
Just like Thomas, just like Hanna and Franz, just like Milieus and Nack and so many others.

He wanted to fight for them. He wanted to avenge them, even. He wanted to be as angry as he possibly could be, he wanted to embrace this anger and let it overtake him, so that he could fight for those who couldn’t anymore.

And yet, at the same time, he didn’t. 

“J-Jean, you have to tell me...” Marco hiccuped, his voice muffled by Jean’s shoulder.  
“What am I doing? A-Am I fighting for them? Or am I just some selfish piece of shit using their deaths as a reason to-“

“Hey. Marco. Is this because of what Annie said? Don’t listen to her, alright? You know what you’re fighting for. You aren’t selfish. The Marco I know is probably the least selfish guy I’ve ever met. You know why you’re fighting, deep down. If you didn’t... you wouldn’t be fighting at all.”

Marco let himself sob again, nodding. He wasn’t selfish, Jean told him. He knew what he was fighting for, Jean said.

And that was a lie; one easy enough to believe.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> BY THE WAY i should mention i am opening fic commissions!! its gonna be $1 per 100 words and I am willing to write just about everything that doesn’t go against my morals LOL. dm me on my insta @finnejean if ur interested or have questions!! thank u for reading <3

**Author's Note:**

> please comment if u want more of this it gives me motivation to keep writing


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